Sneakiness...

Have you ever done something and felt so extremely sneaky that you wanted to tell everyone about it, but then it would cancel out the sneaky things you did? Well, that's how I felt Monday and yesterday.

I've been looking for a specific decorating tip for the cake class I'm taking in March with another girl in my ward. The only way to buy said tip without ordering it online (and paying 3 times what it costs in shipping fees) is to buy the whole cupcake decorating kit. So, that's okay except that when I went to buy it last week at michaels with my 50% off coupon they were completely out! I already knew that Hobby Lobby doesn't carry it. So, I tried Roberts Craft and Walmart. Roberts was out and Walmart doesn't carry it. I start to get a little desperate and so I tried Joann's on Monday and I found a stray cupcake kit sitting in the midst of a completely different display but it appeared to be the only one in the store. Now, I had a Michaels coupon for 40% off that I wanted to use at Joann's but it wasn't active until yesterday (Tuesday). So, what do I do? I hide the cupcake kit behind other stuff on the bottom shelf of the cake area. Yesterday I drop by Joanns and calmly dig the kit out from the very back of the bottom shelf behind the large boxes of cake decorating supplies where I hid it and pay for it with my coupon. I felt extremely sneaky and thrifty and wanted to share with everyone I saw in Joanns but I didn't think that would go so well....

Thoughts for the universe

So, it's early and I'm still up after putting Abby down for Scott after he fed her. I would like to be sleeping but it seems best at times to stay up after she goes down because it doesn't usually take long for her to cry because her soothie has fallen out or something else is wrong in her tiny universe. If I go back to bed I will have just reached that almost asleep state where I get EXTREMELY cranky about having to get up with Abby again and I don't like the way it makes me feel toward my family.

So, the purpose of my post. I have come to realize that it is ok and probably even healthy for me to admit when I am struggling. I come from a family where admitting weakness and struggles isn't really done but I am trying to move past that. So, here goes:

I STRUGGLE WITH FEELNG REALLY DEPRESSED SINCE I'VE HAD ABIGAIL.

I thought for a long time that it was just the baby blues and that it would pass. And just when I would get to the point where I was thinking about asking for help I would have a couple of good days and think that things were going to be fine. This is me saying that it's okay to struggle. If you know me then you know how hard that is for me to admit to myself, to Scott or to even say out loud.

I have been struggling with feeling like I am inadequate at fulfilling my responsibilities as a wife, a new mother, a daughter of God and as the first counselor in the Young Womens Presidency. I have wondered how I could do any of these things when I could barely make it through the day without crying, manage to do at least one of the following: look presentable, have a fairly clean house, make meals, read the scripture, put in the time to have meaningful prayers, write down Abby's milestones, exercise, etc..

Today my visiting teacher (and YW's president) and I talked on the phone for a few minutes and the thoughts I have had about the baby blues perhaps being a little more serious than I thought were solidified. AND IT'S OKAY. I have to keep telling myself that. IT'S OKAY TO STRUGGLE AND IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I AM A BAD WIFE OR MOTHER OR ANYTHING ELSE. IT's just the way it is and perhaps I need to cut myself a little slack.

Phew! I just needed to put those thoughts out there in the universe and admit that I'm struggling. While I may never ask for help from people other than family (which is hard enough) just being able to "say" that I am struggling is a huge step for me.

A few more pictures...

Just a little smattering of pictures from the last few weeks!
Isn't Abigail just the cutest things ever? (The answer of course, is yes!)

Update

So, a quick update on the Twichel family. After Abigail was born they discovered she had picked up the fever I had when she was born, they thought she might have an infection and one of her lungs looked cloudy on the x-ray. so, they kept her in the special care nursery for five days on antibiotics. They also kept me in the hospital for four days while I healed and regained the blood lost during delivery of my little cutie. Originaly they thought I would need a blood transfusion but my body managed on it's own and so I was spared that experience. Coming home from the hospital has been a crazy experience to say the least. When Abby was in the hospital all she did was sleep and eat and poop. Now, she only sleeps when I don't want her to, eats constantly it seems and poops on my hand when I change her diaper.
I realized something lately. I was frustrated about why my baby was so challenging and then realized that most of the time you don't see newborns. You see the happy smiling baby at church AFTER the first few months have past and the baby has matured, gotten a little bit of a schedule and the parents have regained some of their sanity! I WILL make it to that point before I rip out my hair. And I've raealized that it's ok to cry when you are tired and overwhelmed.  It's healthy to let it out.( I bawled the other day while holding Abby during her colicy time and she just stared at me with these big eyes!)
 She makes the funniest faces! REALLY, I have to keep myself from laughing while she is falling asleep because I don't want to keep her awake! Every emotion you could possibly imagine and then some cross her face. I often wonder what she thinks about and dreams about that causes such expressions. She wears "the thinker" face quite often. She has gotten to the point where she will just stare at your face and stare and stare and stare. Right now, she is sleeping in Scott's arms while he plays a video game(what a talented guy). I'm amazed that he got her to sleep and without her soothie even. Her colicy hours tonight were much shorter than usual and Scott held her while I ran a couple of errands for my  church responsibilities. She fell asleep in his arms and we are afraid to move her because she will wake up and start screaming again. And that girl has got lungs! Despite the screaming each night for hours when I am at my most tired(Scott does a great job of watching her during that time), challenging nursing experiences, etc.. I am falling in love with a little baby girl named Abigail. She holds onto our fingers now with such a tight grip! She loves being sung too, especially the songs we sang to her while I was pregnant. I look at her and can hardly believe that not to long ago she was in heaven. She is such a precious gift! (this is of course much easier to remember when she is happy and cooing or sleeping peacefully). One of my favorite things lately has been watching Scott hold her. He is so gentle and sweet, a real softy.  He talks to her and makes me laugh when he says the things I think when she's being fussy. For example, during her colicy hours or while changing a diaper on a screaming Abby he sweetly says, "oh put a sock in it" or something along those lines! I cannot imagine going throught this wonderful and yet highly challenging experience without such a great guy by my side who watches Abigail at night so I can sleep even though he's tired and has to go to work in the morning. I love my family so much!

Abigail Elyse Twichel (aka cutest baby ever!)

New Baby!

(Written on Dec. 2nd) Our baby's birth from Melody's perspective(which is rather fuzzy and probably a little inaccurate about times, dates, etc..): As of yesterday, December 1st at 2:10 pm Scott and I are the parents of a beautiful baby girl named Abigail. Abby was 7 pounds 14 ounces and 19 and a half inches long when she was born. When I get the chance to spend time with her and hold her and look in her beautiful dark blue eyes I am amazed at how blessed we are. The look on Scott's face when he holds her is just priceless. It looks to me like a combination of awe, shock, love, disbelief and more awe.
Abby had a rather traumatic birth so if you aren't prepared for what may be To Much Information discontinue reading! I am still finding out more details of how it went and what happened as time passes. I started having contractions fairly frequently  late Monday afternoon between 6 and 8 pm.  The pain was pretty severe and lasted through the night so on Tuesday morning we headed into the hospital in Orem(Mt. Timp Regional) to be checked. They observed for an hour and said I was effaced almost 80 percent but still only dilated to a 2 which was where I had been at my last appointment a week before. Needless to say, I was pretty disappointed but I think it was almost a relief for Scott as the birth of his daughter was looming nearer and becoming more intimidating and this gave him a little break. So, they gave me a shot of morphine to keep the pain at bay a little and sent us home, but told us they expected to see us back later that evening with how my contractions were going.  I was able to sleep a little bit in between the really painful contractions which still woke me up.
 On  Tuesday we headed back in and were checked again, Much to my continued dismay, I wasn't making much progress in dilation. So, more morphine and back home to rest. At this I am beginning to wonder why this process is so difficult and painful.
Wednesday morning I had had it! I hurt so bad I wanted to just curl up and die. Scott was great at holding me up and coaching me on my breathing through the contractions. It helped so much! He was super supportive and poor guy had no idea what I was feeling. I tried to explain what they felt like but if you've never had menstrual cramps it's a little harder to understand the similarities. They put me in a room to be checked and low and behold I was dilated to a 5!!! I was so excited to finally be making progress! Not only that but the midwife I had seen the most during my appointments had just come on call so she came in to see us. We called my folks up in Brigham City to get them prepared and waited and breathed through the contractions which I have to say is much harder to do when laying in bed doing nothing that when you are moving around being distracted. An hour later I was dilated to an 8. They called the anesthesiologist to come and give me my epidural and he instantly became my best friend! Turned out he only had about 5-10 minutes before he had to be in surgery and so everyone was rushing around trying to get it all ready for him. It was quite the whirlwind! I had heard a lot about how painful it is to get an epidural but that it's worth it once you do have it. Totally not true in my case. The epidural was almost painless to get and made such a huge difference. Luckily I had the chief anesthesiologist and he was good at what he did. At this point I had been in labor about 36 hours with almost no sleep and was very tired and getting a little cranky.A few more hours went by( so they tell me) and there was no more change in my progress. I don't remember exactly how it all happened but I wasn't feeling well(felt like the flu - sweaty, headache, dry throat, fever, etc...). The midwife consulted with the doctor on call from the same clinic sometime during all this and it realized that not only did I have a fever but my body was too small for this baby to fit through the birth canal. Apparently they had waited much longer than normal to come to the conclusion that I needed a c-section.Well, that was devastating and very upsetting. Scott wiped away my tears as I cried.
So, they called in the anesthesiologist again(who by now was out of surgery) and they gave me even more drugs to be completely numb. They would spray my skin with an icy cold substance in one spot and then in the spot that was numb to see what I could feel which I think was interesting. Before I knew it Scott was kissing me goodbye as I flew by as they were wheeling me into the hallway and  we went to the O.R. What felt like less than five minutes later Scott appeared at my side all scrubbed up and they attached the blue sheet in front of me so I couldn't see what they would do. Scott was more nervous than me and I really dislike being cut into! But somehow I just felt like everything would be fine.As soon as things started  to get going(from what I could feel) Scott started  talking to me  and asking me lots of questions and trying to keep up a conversation.  While you may think this was for my benefit, really it was for him. He forewarned the staff in the OR that he might end up on the floor and they showed`him how to "fall" so his head would end up next to mine on my pillow. When I would stop talking or asking him a question he would get a little more pale and worried looking. He did a great job of conquering his fears and at the same time it kept me distracted as much as possible from the pushing and shoving being exerted on my poor tired body.  I heard someone say, "Happy Birthday" and then a very healthy cry from my little girl. She has some great lungs! She cried for the next little bit and Scott went over to see her and take some pictures while she was getting cleaned up. In the meantime they started trying to put me back together. Scott came over and showed me a picture of our little angel and then I started to want to die again. They weren't sharp pains, it was more like every part of body in the affected area was being ripped and stretched apart. This is what the anesthesiologist called "the uncomfortable part". Apparently I wasn't taking it well because that's the last thing I remember. I woke up hours later in a recovery room with my parents and Scott. So, the pictures of Scott showing me Abby in the O.R. are a complete mystery to me, I don't remember it at all. I started to freak out a little in the recovery room when they said they were still running tests on my baby and so I couldn't see her. After sending people to find her several times they brought her in to see me for a few minutes (against the rules, but I was desperate and about ready to demand seeing her). Scott and I got to have a few minutes with just the three of us and I held her and fell in love. A baby couldn't be more perfect than that. She is such a miracle.

Black Friday

I have never had enough of a desire to save money or buy something on the big sales to prompt me to attempt black friday. However, this year, for some strange reason , I felt compelled, yes, compelled to brave the masses in a very limited way. There were three things I wanted at the Walmart midnight sale. The ad didn't say how the sale would work exactly but I had been told by a Walmart employee that they wouldn't be closing at all. This was encouraging because I wouldn't have to stand in the cold but also confusing. How do you stand in line for something? So,  I thought we would check it out. Scott drove and was just going to wait in the car for me. I got inside about 11:35 and the place was crazy! Turns out that they had the big palates out and you were supposed to stand by "yours" and then when midnight struck you could grab your item. They had a walmart employee stationed by each palate to monitor you and keep you from cheating. So, I found the first item I wanted and then headed for the area where they had put the video games. Unfortunately, this is when things got a trifle nasty. There were people in that area than any other, of course, and they were wielding their elbows in such a way that you couldn't even discover what games they had. I stood up on the bench conveniently located next to the mob just to see what the layout was, etc.. and was immediately flagged down by a frowning employee who then promptly ignored me. I started walking back toward the first item, deciding that I would just get that because I didn't that I would die in the process and was pretty well assured to get what I wanted. On the way I asked an employee about the location of the third item  and after a blank stare, she said she didn't know and asked two other employees, who, I am sure where on some sort of mind altering substance as they never completely responded and sort of stumbled around "their area". Giving up on that tactic, I asked a woman walking by who had the aforementioned item in her cart. She directed me to it and informed me that they were almost gone because people were sneaking them into their carts when the employees backs were turned. Turns out the palette for it was about 15 feet down the isle. Why the employees were so clueless about the location I don't know. When I reached the palette I discovered to my dismay that there was only one layer left on the palette. This was a moment of discovering your own human nature and that you aren't perfect. I had the immediate thought that since everyone else was taking them early I better do the same so I could get one. Thankfully I made myself keep walking, without succumbing and went back to my first item where I called Scott and asked for reinforcements. After he came in and discovered the location of item number 3 he decided to take a look at the situation with the video games and later reported to me that people were being very territorial with their hands on the game system box they wanted or video game or whatever. They had staked their claim to box #xyz and you better not think about taking it from them when midnight struck! At about 11:55 someone down in is normally electronics yelled, "They're grabbing stuff!!" And the grabbing frenzy began and it wasn't long until things were stripped bare. In the end, we got 2 of the 3 things I wanted, were third or fourth in the check out line and back to Scott's parents house by 12:40. Overall, a success for a first timer who is also 9 months pregnant, but I have devised a plan for any future black friday escapades :) Lest you be disappointed in my families ability to protect me from the mobs, they did try to keep me from going but short of tying me up there wasn't much they could besides send Scott with me. Scott and I both went out at later points in the day to pick a few more items but the 6 am (Scott), 11 am(me) and 1 pm(Scott) runs were extremely calm and almost disappointing after the Walmart experience. One black friday down and not to shabbily done!